how I'm feeling

How I'm feeling?  


Well I feel a million things on some days!  First of all I feel so blessed to have three healthy children.  When I catch myself feeling sorry for myself or yearning for things to have been different, I end up feeling very angry at myself!  How could someone so blessed feel sadness or envy?  Let's be honest.  I waited 9 1/2 months to find out what gender this baby was going to be.  9 1/2 months people!  There was a part of me that had convinced myself that because of my patience and my overall desire for a daughter that I would surely be given this gift.  The other part of me tried to remain realistic and knew that I was having another boy.  However on the day of delivery I just knew, without a doubt, that I was going to meet my daughter.  So when the doctors so excitedly told my husband and I that "it was a BOY!" I immediately felt crushed.  Don't worry, I'm not that bad of a mother.  The crushed feeling left pretty quickly and then the "normal" feelings took over; is the baby breathing okay? are there 10 fingers and toes? is everything OK?


Once we were back in recovery my family and friends were able to pass Hunter around and take pictures.  Everyone, including the nurses, kept asking me if I was ready to hold him.  I continued to say "no it's okay, you guys keep holding!".  At the time I was feeling like that partly because of my insistent shaking from the anesthesia, and the fact that I was still lying flat on my back... seriously? how do you want me to hold my newborn when I'm not allowed to sit up and my arms won't quit shaking?  After family had left it was just my husband and I and my dear friend Abbie.  Abbie brought little Hunter to me to hold, and of course he cried intensely.  I handed him back to her, and the crying stopped.  I was hit with this feeling that Hunter knew how much I had wanted a daughter, maybe he didn't love me!  Silly I know but I was overwhelmed with this guilt.


Through the rest of the night I continued to feel this lack of connection to Hunter.  I don't know if it was because I didn't have a vaginal delivery?  I do feel like there is a complete difference between having a vaginal delivery and a c-section.  I had been worried about this from the day we decided to have a c-section.  I knew that my husband and I were going to miss out on this bonding experience, I knew that I would feel like I didn't actually "give birth" to our child.  Of course I had already decided not to breast feed, so then I felt guilty, thoughts that I was taking away the only bonding experience that Hunter and I would ever have.  Silly, yes.... but with those hormones and emotions rolling, that's how I thought!  


Thankfully after the first night my husband helped me hold Hunter and I was able to feed him his bottles.  My mom came and helped me un-swaddle him on the bed so that I could inspect him.  All I needed was some extra cuddle time, some time to make me connect with this baby that I had carried for so long.... now the connection that I feel with Hunter is no less than the connection I had with both of my older boys.  Thank the Lord that I got past those feelings!  


So while we're being honest, yes, I'm still envious of all of my friends who recently had daughters.  And when I saw "all", I seriously am surrounded by friends who had daughters, there are like 5 of them!  I see pictures of their princesses in bows and tutus and all of that girlie stuff that I was so excited to splurge on.  I don't regret having my tubes tied, but I still feel slight sadness knowing that my chances for a daughter are over.  I will never birth my own daughter.  However, I am so enormously blessed that I have carried three beautiful boys to term, they are all healthy and thriving.  I'm living a dream that so many deserving people aren't able to.  So for that I am thankful.  I count my blessings every day and thank the Lord for all that I've been giving.  


So, how am I feeling?  Blessed.  I have a perfect trifecta.  And I will always be my husband's one and only princess, can't really go wrong with that right?  :-)

our big reveal

Wednesday June 6th, 2012 I woke up around 8am, showered, straightened my hair (the beauty of a planned delivery is being able to look your best!), finished packing my bag for the hospital, did some dishes, played with my boys.  These were the last few hours living as a family of four.  Surgery was scheduled for 1pm so we had to be at the hospital at 11am.  My mom came and took the boys to go play at a museum while we all waited for 1pm.  I noticed that I was having some contractions, nothing worth timing, enough to be "amusing".  Hubs and I loaded up the car, hooked up the infant car seat (if you haven't figured it out we're real "last minute" people), and then got ready for our drive to the hospital!  Here's my last photo being pregnant......

We arrived at the hospital right on time, only to be greeted by a doctor in my OB's practice telling us that we'll be at least an hour delayed.  Lots of surgeries that day!  The nurses told us they had no room available for us so they took us to a tiny little triage room.  Tiny actually doesn't even describe it well, instead of a bed there was a stretcher, a tiny chair for my husband, and a little cabinet with monitors.  IV got started, kudos to the nurse who got that on the first try!  Labs were drawn, monitors were put on - nurse says "oh look at that you're having contractions!", and then the wait began.  My doctor came in to say hello, ensured us that he would get us in for surgery at 1pm no matter what, and off he went to get ready.  By noon we were moved into an actual labor and delivery room, a million admission questions were asked, I am still having contractions and lets just say they were not comfortable! 12:30 my mom, dad, our two sons, both of my sisters, and my bestie had arrived.  1pm my doctor came in to see how I was feeling.  Hmmm, I am absolutely ready to be done being pregnant!  He asked if I was having any pain, I said the contractions were starting to get intense.  He laughed a little and said he'd been watching me on the monitors and it looked like he had a patient in labor!  Contractions were every 2-3 minutes and getting stronger.  He went ahead and checked my cervix, '0' dilation, next thing I know I'm getting a shot to stop my labor.  Seriously, who goes in for their scheduled c-section and goes into labor while there? I still laugh about that.... you see, this is my 3rd baby and I've never gone into labor on my own, always had to be induced!  Here's our last photo as a family of four, I love it :)

Finally around 2:15 the action started to happen.  Thanks to emergency c-sections we got delayed, pretty sure I felt that my need to know if I was carrying  a boy or a girl was more of an emergency than these other women! (of course I'm just kidding!)  My hubs got handed a cute scrub outfit, and I got wheeled back to the OR.  As soon as we walked through those doors my anxiety reached it's max.  The anesthesiologist was wonderful and talked me through everything, his nurse anesthesist (sp?) was a fantastic support system for me through out the entire surgery.  My spinal block was given, can we say ouch!?  Actually just the injection of the lidocaine is what hurt, burned like heck!  The spinal took effect really quickly, catheter went in, curtain was hung, hubs was brought into the room.  My doctor and another doctor came in ready to start my surgery.  They both asked if I was I was sure that I wanted to have a tubal, um yes doctor, absolutely sure!  And then everything got started!  First cut, doctor tried to give me a play by play of the surgery, we politely requested that he not! Just tell us when you're ready to pull the baby out :)  Anesthesist kept asking me to try and relax, apparently my heart rate was above 150 for the entire surgery, sorry lady, I'm trying but knowing that my stomach is being cut apart right now is sorta freaking me out!  I'm sure I looked like I was having a seizure as my arms would not stop shaking!  My poor husband was pretty worried about me, bless his heart.  At 2:57pm we got the news we had been waiting for..... it's a ........ BOY!!!!!!!!!  

Hunter Jaxson, 8lbs 11oz, 20" long  

Baby Hunter only had his head out and he was already crying, he cried for a good 45 minutes!  Poor guy's blood sugar was low so they had to give him a bottle right away, little guy wouldn't drink it just kept crying and crying.  As the nurses were assessing him they saw he was having some difficulties breathing.  Hubs said they put a few suction tubes down his throat to suck the fluid out and then just let him keep crying so that he could work it out himself.  They were finally able to get him to eat a bottle, an hour later they rechecked his blood sugar and it had dropped even further.  Another bottle was fed, repeat sugar check, and luckily it  had risen.  

Family and friends piled into the room, everyone passed Hunter around and admired his handsomeness.... Logan and Riley were very excited to see the baby, of course Riley decided that he didn't like his brother, he wanted a sister.  (don't worry, a week later he loves his brother!)  

Riley, Logan, and Hunter

Proud papa and his boys.....

Recovery has been rough for me, guess I'm not as tough as everyone else cause I'm still having pains!  I am blessed and my husband was able to take off this entire week to help out with the kids and myself. I'm really going to miss him when he goes back to work, thinking about it brings tears to the surface.  

So there it is, my birth story.  Sorry it was long, maybe not very interesting, but it's all in writing now so at least I'll never forget it! :)  More pictures to come, updates on my thoughts on having another boy, news about Hunter's first doctor's appointment.... for now I'm just enjoying my time with my three sons......