Tuesday, June 19, 2012

how I'm feeling

How I'm feeling?  


Well I feel a million things on some days!  First of all I feel so blessed to have three healthy children.  When I catch myself feeling sorry for myself or yearning for things to have been different, I end up feeling very angry at myself!  How could someone so blessed feel sadness or envy?  Let's be honest.  I waited 9 1/2 months to find out what gender this baby was going to be.  9 1/2 months people!  There was a part of me that had convinced myself that because of my patience and my overall desire for a daughter that I would surely be given this gift.  The other part of me tried to remain realistic and knew that I was having another boy.  However on the day of delivery I just knew, without a doubt, that I was going to meet my daughter.  So when the doctors so excitedly told my husband and I that "it was a BOY!" I immediately felt crushed.  Don't worry, I'm not that bad of a mother.  The crushed feeling left pretty quickly and then the "normal" feelings took over; is the baby breathing okay? are there 10 fingers and toes? is everything OK?


Once we were back in recovery my family and friends were able to pass Hunter around and take pictures.  Everyone, including the nurses, kept asking me if I was ready to hold him.  I continued to say "no it's okay, you guys keep holding!".  At the time I was feeling like that partly because of my insistent shaking from the anesthesia, and the fact that I was still lying flat on my back... seriously? how do you want me to hold my newborn when I'm not allowed to sit up and my arms won't quit shaking?  After family had left it was just my husband and I and my dear friend Abbie.  Abbie brought little Hunter to me to hold, and of course he cried intensely.  I handed him back to her, and the crying stopped.  I was hit with this feeling that Hunter knew how much I had wanted a daughter, maybe he didn't love me!  Silly I know but I was overwhelmed with this guilt.


Through the rest of the night I continued to feel this lack of connection to Hunter.  I don't know if it was because I didn't have a vaginal delivery?  I do feel like there is a complete difference between having a vaginal delivery and a c-section.  I had been worried about this from the day we decided to have a c-section.  I knew that my husband and I were going to miss out on this bonding experience, I knew that I would feel like I didn't actually "give birth" to our child.  Of course I had already decided not to breast feed, so then I felt guilty, thoughts that I was taking away the only bonding experience that Hunter and I would ever have.  Silly, yes.... but with those hormones and emotions rolling, that's how I thought!  


Thankfully after the first night my husband helped me hold Hunter and I was able to feed him his bottles.  My mom came and helped me un-swaddle him on the bed so that I could inspect him.  All I needed was some extra cuddle time, some time to make me connect with this baby that I had carried for so long.... now the connection that I feel with Hunter is no less than the connection I had with both of my older boys.  Thank the Lord that I got past those feelings!  


So while we're being honest, yes, I'm still envious of all of my friends who recently had daughters.  And when I saw "all", I seriously am surrounded by friends who had daughters, there are like 5 of them!  I see pictures of their princesses in bows and tutus and all of that girlie stuff that I was so excited to splurge on.  I don't regret having my tubes tied, but I still feel slight sadness knowing that my chances for a daughter are over.  I will never birth my own daughter.  However, I am so enormously blessed that I have carried three beautiful boys to term, they are all healthy and thriving.  I'm living a dream that so many deserving people aren't able to.  So for that I am thankful.  I count my blessings every day and thank the Lord for all that I've been giving.  


So, how am I feeling?  Blessed.  I have a perfect trifecta.  And I will always be my husband's one and only princess, can't really go wrong with that right?  :-)





5 comments:

Liz said...

I commend you for being so honest. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the way you were feeling and do many of us dont tell the truth. You are entitled to feel however you are feeling. Hunter is such a sweet boy and so very handsome. You will have to bring him over for lots of playdates with P.

Shannon said...

Kristen, do not feel guilty for your feelings. You have every right to feel mixed emotions after having wanted a daughter for so long. You are not NOT loving Hunter, but grieving the daughter you never had. Your boys all love you and I know you know that. You are an amazing woman. Take care, sweetie. These first couple of months are definitely the hardest on your emotions. Hang in there and take a moment each day to be by yourself and reflect on all that is good in your life. You are a lucky mama :o) xoxo

Shannon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mrs EyeCanSee said...

I love the honesty and raw emotion in the post. Don't once, even for a second, feel guilty for your feelings. I've read many blogs where women remained "Team Green" and on birth day celebrate the baby they did get...but still grieve the baby they didn't. It's perfectly normal and doesn't mean you love your boys any less!

Pink in a sea of blue said...

Aww. This feels sooo familiar to me. We sealed the sonogram results from our Oct visit until Dec and let the grandmas open up and tell us what #2 was on Christmas Day (he was due in March). Well- not a good idea. I, too, was hoping for that girl I dreamed about my entire life and then I was crying on Christmas Day!I still feel sad passing by the cute girl clothes in stores, but I just walk right over to "me" clothes. LOL! And, wait until you have an 11 yr old. All of my friends are already having those mean girl problems in school and sassy mouths. My son(s) loves me like crazy and their "issues" last a day and not months with friends (like they do with girls). I am really thankful for boys now! Hunter is very precious. Looks like your boys are happy with baby brother. Your post was great. You are completely normal and well-understood. We should start a club. :-)