Saturday, May 2, 2009

in that weird place....

or is it wierd?  Hmm... weird looks better.  To begin, I have to admit that I feel slightly sophisticated sitting in my recliner with my laptop, that or it's a lazy feeling.  Either way I enjoy it!  It's like I finally know what I was missing!  It's a little bit like Carrie (Sex and the City), as if I'm sitting in my apartment writing my next column, drinking my cosmo, smoking my cigarette, and wondering why love works the way it does.  Of course none of the above are even close to true.  I'm not sitting in my NYC apartment, far from.  No column to write, no cosmo, quit smoking 2 1/2 years ago, and am 100% satisfied with my love life.  Though even though my life is good, my husband is wonderful, my kids are happy and healthy, I still feel like there is a piece of me that is missing.  Is it because I don't work anymore?  Yes being home with 2 kids is a full time job, but I still feel as if I'm not contributing to our family anymore.  I miss being able to go to the store and buy a shirt just because I wanted it.  I didn't have to explain it to anyone I could just buy it.  Not that my husband would need an explanation, nor would he care if I went and bought a shirt.  The issue is me, I'd have to ask for the debit card and then I would feel the need to explain why I should by a shirt.... when in reality there would be no real reason to buy the shirt except that I want to!  (sigh) I'm babbling.  Not working was my own decision, and I love being home with my kids.  I can't imagine sending them to daycare, especially the baby.  I feel so privileged to be able to raise him myself, I get to see all of those firsts, he sees me and lights up, it's an amazing feeling!  So if it's not money/job, then what's the issue?  What's missing?  Adult conversation?  Drinks with friends?  Nights on the town?  All of the above sound pretty appealing to me, of course so does a Dr Pepper! lol  Sorry, had to throw that in there, Dr P is definitely my vice!

So there is something like 34 days left until my cruise.  I'm too excited!  Sadly I have hardly worked out.  Last week I did great with walking/running and eating well, but this week it seemed like all it did was rain, so all I did was sit on the couch and play with kids!  I know, it's no excuse, but I'm weak and definitely not determined enough to achieve my bikini bod.  However, I do not look like a cow, so I will proudly (atleast somewhat proudly) wear my bikini and know that I have had 2 kids and one is still a baby, and damn I look just fine!

And totally off track, I put baby boy to bed at 6:30 this evening.... he is STILL sleeping!  I'm afraid to go to bed because I know as soon as I lie down and get comfortable he'll wake up to eat!

Well... I'm off to play around on the computer a little more.  Thanks for listening/reading my rambling!


Taryn said...

I am sory you are feeling a little unfilled. I hope you can find what you are looking for.

Enjoy the cruise. I am sure you will look great! (Plus- we went on a cruise last fall and it was a blast- don't worry about it! Where are you going again?)

Cristina said...

I am looking forward to staying home and raising my kids (whenever that day comes) don't feel bad about treating yourself - just because you dont contribute finacially doesn't mean what you do in a day does not count! Being a stay at home mom is a full time job, and not the 9-5's a 24 hrs one!