Monday, March 23, 2009

my moment of weakness

This blog is not intended for people that I know to read, so for those of you who know me, please just read and pretend that we don't know each other. This isn't me reaching out for someone to talk to, it's just me writing to strangers who don't know me....

6 months ago this was me, holding my new baby boy who was less than 12 hrs old. The feeling can only be described but will never be understood until you have your own baby. A mother can never fully explain how much love is felt for her children. Every smile melts your heart, every giggle, every cry, sometimes those cries are unbearable. You can't stand to think or know that your child is hurting or sad.

So when children bring a person so much happiness, why is it that they can also leave you feeling so very sad and alone? My husband is definitely involved, he is the best form of support that a person could ask for. He loves his children, and he takes care of our family. Yet I still find myself sad, sometimes feeling like I have no one to talk to. I know, off the bat my sadness points to pdd.... but I'm being treated for that and still feel sad. I constantly pick myself apart, point out every single flaw of mine and never feel adequate for my husband. He gets so angry with me when I speak like this and he constantly tells me how wonderful I am and how in love he is and that he thinks that I am beautiful, but there is that side of me that won't believe him. What is wrong with me!?!?

So now onto a complete different subject. I watched Greys Anatomy last week and the end of it really affected me. Izy was getting admitted into the hospital and all of her friends had pulled together to be there for her. It got me thinking about my friends, and if something was to happen to me who would be there by my side. And the truth is, I don't feel as if I have any friends that are the type who would be there for me. Is it because we're "grown up" and are taking care of our own families? What has happened that has put the distance between us? I know that I have good friends, and those are the friends who don't demand that I speak to them daily, we can go weeks without talking but we know that the other is just busy and there is nothing personal. But I still find myself feeling like I'd be all alone in my time of need.

I think overall I'm just stressed. The amount of time that we have spent getting our house ready to be sold, I'm just exhausted. Then the stress of figuring out where we'll move to once the house sells.... and this is sorta off track again, but I have this obsessive worry about what will happen to my children if something happens to me, or to both my husband and I. I don't have god parents for my children, is this something that everyone does? Secondly, if something happens to just me, where is my oldest son going to end up? Back with his father? And then would my husband and baby ever get to spend time with him anymore? Will my sons ever get to know each other as brothers? And would my husband want the responsibility of keeping in touch with my oldest?

Why am I cursed with all of these damn worries? I just want to live life happily and ignorantly! lol I hate knowing what things can happen in life. I worked in the insurance field for 9 years and I look at most things in terms of the possible liability risks, I need to know what could happen.... I hate living like that!

So.... sorry for the downer, hopefully I didn't just throw everyone into a great depression! I'm fine, just needed to write out my mood that way I can just move on and try and continue the day with a brighter look on life!


Elizabeth said...

Since I "know you" I'm not sure if you want me to comment or not but I'm going to...
First off, I know we haven't been friends forever but I think we've got closer with all of my family drama in the last few months. You've been a great friend to me and I plan on being there for you!
Secondly, it doesn't hurt at all to sit down and come up with plans for certain 'situations'. There's nothing wrong with having conversations or having things in writing, etc.
Thirdly, do what you need to do as far as post-partum is concerned and don't feel guilty for it. I have a lot of anxiety problems that I take medication for everyday (betcha didn't know that, huh?) and I will never apologize for it.
Call me if you wanna talk, I'm here for ya'! Sometimes life is just out right annoying.

Taryn said...

I am sorry.

I know that I am still struggling to figure out why I am sad a lot- and it makes Chris mad too when I say i am sad. I know he thinks it is his fault in some way- even though it is not! I don't know. I miss my family- but I am a grown woman- I should not miss my mom- you know?

I hope things get better for you soon. Life isn't perfect, but it shouldn't be sad either.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry that you are having the baby blues and I understand where you are coming from because I still have them. I've never in my life been so emotional until I had Devin. Now everything "bothers" me or messes with my emotions somehow. I worry every day where Devin would be without me or my hubby and that frightens me to no end. I know my hubby is amazing and would pull thru without me, but would Devin be okay without mom? Mom is totally different from dad, ya know, there's just that different bond.
I watch Grey's every week so I understand what you are talking about in that episode and how it struck a cord. Hang in there kiddo you'll pull thru.